Whispers Of A Land
I once heard a whisper deep down in the recess of my heart. I did not know if it was real or some created fantasy but when it spoke I knew it could not be denied. It was not a voice that came in from the ears, one that could be manipulated and ignored. But rather a significant yearning, a deep knowing, that I could be more than I am now…..
….. I shook my head and that brought me back, to one more hit another
drink and no more pain. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and glanced
out the window….
What was this voice whispering that I had to leave? Was it more painful
than here? My mind started to race again, back and forth, anywhere… but
away from here…..
….. But the whisper continued. It would not leave. It kept bringing me
back, reminding me, beckoning me to remember. But I did not want to
remember. To remember would put me right back to where I did not want
to be, back to being real, back to life, back to the truth. Back to the
memory of who I was and wanted to be. That land was too scary. I was
fine where I was. Or, it was at least easier to believe I was fine than
face where the whispers beckoned me to go….
…. One more drink, one more hit and I will be back to my place. The
place where only I can go, the place where only I belong…confident and
in control…. But that damn voice, that damn whisper… I wasn’t having
fun anymore. I didn’t believe my stories anymore. I kept repeating them
over and over, but it was no use. No matter what I tried, how many
hits, how many beers, I could not find the reason anymore. Too many
broken hearts and promises. I only saw destruction… and that damn
voice…. Whispering to me of a land where I once walked free….
…. I saw it in other people’s eyes, that is I saw what the whispers
told me. In fact it just felt good to be around. But not too long, the
whispers were too powerful and true. I had to run, I had to hide, the
fear would become overwhelming…
…. But I did see it. I wanted it. I’d been there. I know I have, for I
remember how I walked, I remember every hill and valley. These whispers
I saw in other people and felt inside my heart. This land with vast
openness I was once free to roam. But how could I get there? How could
I get past the fear? How could I stop to look at myself when all I ever
wanted to do was run? ….
…… I wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always scared. I was a good kid.
In fact I am pretty caring even now. I do good deeds and go to church.
But how long ago was it? How many years do I have to go back to
remember them with innocence? Too many? No, too few. Does it matter how
it started? ……….. Damn, those whispers again…. I need a hit, I need a
beer……… But those whispers……….. I want them, I do I want them, ……….I
want to see the sun rise and set. I want….. It just seems so far away
………… but so very close………… Shhhh…. Listen, maybe you can hear
them……………..
It has been a while now, and
most likely you have attempted more than once to control or change your current
addictive behavior. You have used
determination and the “white knuckle” approach.
You’ve locked yourself in a room or cleaned your house of any temptation
to return to the addictive behavior. You
have made promises to family and friends and sworn allegiance to God that if
you make it through today, you will never return to your addiction. You have given your will over to others and
even admitted you have a problem. You
have tried it all and have known for some time now that drugs, alcohol or
whatever the addiction is no fun. It has
lost its appeal and hasn’t lived up to the expectations you once had for
it. You’ve tried everything, but in the
end, your addiction wins and you are back to square one and a whole bunch of
guilt and mess to clean up. What
happened? Were your intentions off? Did you really not mean what was
promised? Is it as hopeless as you have
heard? Was the counselor right when
he/she told you denial is strong and the disease powerful?
The struggle most go through
when they realize their addiction is getting the best of them is very
common. This is called ambivalence. Ambivalence is like standing in the middle of
the road with cars rushing pass you. You
are scared for you do not want to get hit, but are unsure which side of the
road to go to. You know you do not like
the middle of the road, but you have been there for so long that crossing to
one side is scary. How will you do
it? Will you like the side of road you
pick? You question whether you can
change and whether your choice of change will benefit your life. So you stand in the middle, undecided,
ambivalent. Although you do not like it
there at least you know how to stand.
Everything we do (at least at one time) we do because it served a purpose for us. Whether to escape or avoid, enjoy or cope, we use things for a purpose. What happens is we come to depend on a certain behavior pattern (addiction) to serve this purpose for us. Instead of developing appropriate skills to deal with what life throws at us, we become stuck. We remember how at one time our addiction shielded us from our fear and gave us the illusion of control. We then set out to regain this same feeling. Never fully regaining it, we delve further and further into the addiction. Eventually we come to a point where the addiction is destroying our life but are unsure how to stop it. We have depended on it for so long that the thought of not having it causes more fear than having it.